Chaos
by snarkysweetness
Summary: Chaos, a state of complete disorder and confusion. For Emma Swan, it's a way of life.


**Title: **Chaos  
**Author:** snarkysweetness  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Characters:** Emma, Snow, August, & Neal; Emma/August  
**Summary:** Chaos, a state of complete disorder and confusion. For Emma Swan, it's a way of life.  
**Warnings:** Angst.  
**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.  
**Author's Notes: **I'm evil. And there will be no sequel or resolution. The point is that August is gone, nothing is bringing him back, and there is no true happy ending here.

Emma stood with shaking hands, staring down at the object that would forever change her life. She was far past shock, she was numb with fear, and her blood had long ago run cold. Banging sounded in the distance as someone yelled her name, but she was too far gone to answer.

How had this happened?

"_I love you," he whispered while pressing a small kiss to her shoulder. Emma pressed her fist to her mouth as large tears spilled down her cheeks. She wasn't ready for this. Graham had been the first person she'd dared to love since Neal and he was gone. Everyone she loved left her eventually. Plus, she could barely keep it together for Henry. This was an unneeded complication, even if she did feel the same. _

_August pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her before pressing a kiss to her forehead. _

"_It's okay; you don't have to say it back."_

_Emma almost cried out in relief. He wasn't real. He couldn't be. Henry loved him and he was always there for her without expecting anything in return. She brought a shaky hand up to wipe at her eyes, not wanting him to see her tears. He'd seen enough of them since Mary Margaret's arrest and even more since her abduction. She turned and took hold of his cheek before pulling him in for a kiss. _

_She couldn't say the words, but she could show him._

She closed her eyes with a bitter laugh as she covered her mouth with one hand to keep from crying.

This was her fault. She'd seduced him, she'd let him die, and in her effort to avoid grieving him while trying to get back to Henry she'd completely neglected to even tell anyone he was gone. If she'd had, she'd have known he was missing and would have been able to find him sooner. Instead she'd wasted time with Regina, Rumpelstiltskin, and Neal and in the process he'd suffered and died all over again.

She wished she could be mad at the Blue Fairy, for not telling anywhere that he was alive or where he was, but she couldn't be. This was all on her. She'd waited so long to track Geppetto down to talk to him about August, that it was already far too late to do anything to save him. She should have gone for him as soon as the curse broke. She should have never tried to save Regina. She'd made a lot of mistakes but this wasn't one of them.

No, this time, she was going to do things right.

"Stupid, Emma," she whispered in horror as realized the true gravity of her situation. Sure, August, the August she knew and loved and who had wronged her just as much as she'd wronged him, was technically dead. He'd never come back; never remember who she was, their time together, or anything about his life. But he was in fact alive. He was just a child again. A child who was years younger than her son, a child who would grow up and never be August, and…

Emma laughed hysterically, close to sobbing.

"Goddammit, Emma Rose, you open this door now or I'm breaking it down."

"It's unlocked," Emma said weakly, her voice half-broken.

"Jesus, what are you doing? You've been in here for hour-oh." Her mother stood in the doorway staring at the little plastic stick in Emma's hand.

"Yeah," she said, barely above a whisper as she slid down the ground, her knees unable to support her anymore. The front door opened and she heard voices. It was time to get it together before Henry saw her.

"August?"

She almost laughed.

"You know me too well," Emma replied bitterly.

"Oh, sweetie," Snow said, close to tears herself.

"Hey, I'm going to take Henry for-you okay?"

Emma shoved the pregnancy test into her pocket, not wanting Neal to see. They'd finally gotten to a good place and this…she sighed. Well, she didn't really care what he thought. They'd always love each other and they had Henry. They'd be friends, for him, but this child was none of his business. Especially since she suspected Neal's stupid girlfriend was the reason it wasn't going to have a father.

"I'm fine. What about our son?"

"If it's okay, I want to take him to Granny's for some ice cream and then he wants to go to the park with Augu-I mean, Pinocchio."

An involuntary sob escaped her lips and her mother ushered Neal away. She heard her send him and Henry off while she stayed on the floor, sobbing into her knees. Her mother returned and pulled Emma into her arms.

"No one can know," Emma whispered. She knew there was no hope of getting August back and poor Pinocchio didn't need to be traumatized even more than he already had been.

"Oh honey, everyone will know. The two of you weren't exactly subtle."

"I know, but we can't talk about it. I don't want him to know. He's just a child now, isn't it bad enough he knows there's a whole life he won't remember? He doesn't need to know. This baby's going to be only a few years-oh God, this is all so screwed up."

"Geppetto, he'll want to, he has the right to-" she sighed. "Emma, we'll figure this out."

She nodded numbly, not sure how she'd deal with this mess. She couldn't even bear to see Pinocchio in town, it was too painful. How painful with it be to look at August's child ever day knowing his or her father was technically still alive but could never be with them?

Emma hugged her mother tightly and cried against her chest, wishing there was some magical solution to her problems. But of course, all magic came with a price, and she was already paying a hefty one.

The man she loved was gone forever and their child was going to live a chaotic, messy life complicated by the unusual circumstances that had come with restoring her father's life and there was nothing Emma could do to fix it. Maybe it would have been better if he had died. She couldn't even hate herself for thinking it, because in her gut she knew it was true.

She spread her hand over the barely visible bump in her abdomen and fought back her tears.

"We'll be fine," she promised the small thing growing inside of her.

"You will be, I promise, Emma. We'll figure this out. You have me this time around and I promise, I will never go anywhere, okay? You'll always have me, baby girl." Snow kissed the top of her head and pulled her closer. Emma nodded slowly, knowing that she had to figure this out, no matter how horrible it was or how much it hurt her.

Her life wasn't hers anymore. It was all about Henry and this new baby. They were her life, the things she loved most, and she was going to do right by them, no matter what it took.


End file.
